2016 in Review - The Year of Sharpening

Even though there were many positives in 2016, last year was not particularly one of my favourites. In fact, it was one of the hardest years of my life. In order to explain this, I have to go back to September 2015, when I started my new job. You can read my previous blog post for a bit of background information.

Whatever you do, I’ll do it too, show me everything and tell me how

I was thrown into the deep end of the water and told to swim in my new position as administrative assistant at an environmental consultancy. I didn’t mind though, as I thought that this company would be the ideal place to get into the environmental sector, which is what I studied for. I only needed to be an administrator for another year more or less. I was excited when I got the call from the recruitment company barely a few work hours after my interview, to tell me that I got the job.

The thing about interviews, however, is that it can never prepare you for the invisible red flags.

It all means something, and yet nothing to me

It was great to hear and see the familiar terms that I used to read in my university notes. Every time I got the opportunity to fill environmental application forms or translate comments received during public participation processes, I felt I was on top of the world.

Still, being an administrative assistant wasn’t exactly my dream job. I understood the importance of my position, but still I felt like I was at the bottom of the food chain. I wasn’t passionate. But, to be honest, my thoughts played tricks on me before I started at this company, and I carried this uncertainty within myself with me.

I can see there’s so much to learn, it’s all so close and yet so far

Being an administrator and a front desk person is more important than most people realise. It took me a couple of months and a one-day front desk workshop to figure that out. Your boss may be the face of the company, but you are the voice. I wasn’t keen on the workshop at first. I mean come on, I’ve been doing this for some time now! But I actually learned a lot and tried to implement it in my daily work life ever since. I also gained more respect for front desk personnel.

And as I started to assist the environmental team with Powerpoint presentations, creating newspaper adverts and site notice boards, I increasingly felt the urge to join them as a junior environmentalist. Eventually, I gained momentum.

I see myself as people see me

Of course, the more I did at work, the more environmental responsibilities I gained, the less time I had to do everything, the more criticism I received over the tiniest things. I was playing a tug of war between my administrative and environmental assisting duties. There was a time when I was on a roll, but then, the roll went downhill.

Some people believe there’s no such thing as a quarter-life crisis, but I surely went through mine. Taking this job meant leaving my dance and art classes in my hometown, which formed a big part of my life. On top of that, I moved to my boyfriend’s place in order to be closer to work.

At one stage I had such an identity crises that when I took the Enneagram personality test for the first time, I had four split personalities. I didn’t know where my life was going. I didn’t have enough muse to write either. If it wasn’t for my boyfriend during this difficult time, I would still be in my dark hole.

I just know there’s something bigger out there

After a year of outer-criticism and self-criticism, I had my annual performance appraisal where I was told I’m doing a great job, but still making too many mistakes to be part of the environmental team, that my attention to detail was not up to speed. This was coming from the person who would phone me to ask the name of the person who he was supposed to meet with. I finally realised the reason for my depression. If you hear enough criticism every day, you start to believe them yourself. 

Having stress at work is one thing, but dreading getting up in the morning because you’re afraid of the scolding emails waiting in your inbox is something else. Plus, if you’re in the hospital and the office is more worried about you being contagious rather than whether you're okay, then one red flag is not warning enough.

I knew I was worth more than they made me out to be. It wasn’t worth the wait for a promotion that may have never come. So once again, I updated (glorified) my CV and sent it as far and wide as I could.

Ooo, these emotions I never knew

Of some other world far beyond this place

Beyond the trees, above the clouds

I see before me a new horizon

One day I received a reply on one of my applications for a bilingual proofreading position. I went for an interview, which turned out to be a proofreading test. My inner critic was sure that I wouldn't get a call-back. Sure enough, two weeks later they asked me to come in for another interview. This time, it only lasted 20 minutes. This short meeting made me nervous. I really wanted this job; not just to get away from a bad one, but because I could envision myself working there.

On 12 December 2016, I started my training as a bilingual proofreader at one of the coolest companies in Cape Town. After such a bad experience in my work-life, I can honestly say that I am happier than I ever was. I no longer have Sunday blues or anxiety. I may not be in the environmental sector, but I am doing something that I’m good at and enjoy, for a much better pay and benefits.

I went through a rough pencil sharpening process, but at least I can say that I feel more sharp than ever.

So much for not having enough attention to detail…

I wanna know, can you show me

I wanna know about these strangers like me

Tell me more, please show me

Something’s familiar about these strangers like me

2017 will be my year of growth. I am looking forward to reading more books, being more healthy emotionally and physically, and moving into a new place with the love of my life.

I’m currently the luckiest girl on earth.

Lyrics used for inspiration: Strangers Like Me - Phil Collins (from Tarzan). Because animation still makes me happy.